Everything, something and nothing.

I never ever thought I'd be here again.

Here where it is confusing, frustrating, embarrassing, annoying and uncertainty filled.

Here where I feel everything at once.

Here where I feel everything in waves.

Here where I don't feel anything at all.

I haven't been here in years and felt stronger than ever. 

I vowed to never be here again. 

When I was here before, I didn't have a spiritual foundation. I do now.

I'm angry that I'm here again after being so careful and guarded. I feel tricked. I'm embarrassed. I should have known better.

I'm especially angry that with a spiritual foundation, I'm here again.

I heard Iyanla Vanzant who has saved me from so much in my life, once say that you have to sit with your emotions and what you feel in order to heal. You can't just ignore what you feel and brush it under the rug. These jokers tend to keep showing up unless you let them do what they were sent to do.

I know this is the truth.

I've been here before and survived it.

So I'll allow these tears to fall and mourn what was. I'll sit with this and allow it to pass.

My spiritual foundation tells me that this is something I have to go through to be even stronger. This makes no sense to me now but it makes sense.  My steps are ordered and I'm being prepared for something greater after my wilderness season ends.

We miraculously think that once we find God that nothing will ever hurt again.

This is the biggest lie.

Trails will come forever, knowing God just equips us to handle them better. 

The spiritual side of me understands this fully.

It's the emotional part I gotta get past right now. 

Life is beautiful, I'm exhaling and know this too will pass. It always does.

I'll know when I'm healed. I'll think of this and won't have everything, something or nothing come rushing to the surface.

I'll think of this and be filled with peace.